Rape stops when the myths stop

Hi everyone, I had actually prepared a fun post to add to my Travel Diaries series this weekend; it is about being a tourist in Paris. However, over the past week my Facebook news feed had been flooded with heartbreaking article after article about the Stanford rape case. Although the case is extremely disheartening to me, I found the victim's letter to her sexual assailant extraordinarily enlightening about society's attitudes and misconceptions towards rape.

Brock Turner was caught raping an unconscious 23 year old graduate behind a dumpster in Stanford University. He was sentenced to only 6 months.

I will link her full letter here, but I just thought I'd quote bits and snippets of her letter and add my take to it (in a blockquote). It is very traumatising to read, and may be triggering to men and women who are survivors of sexual assault, but it is important.

#Myth 1: If the Stanford victim hadn't gotten herself drunk, no rape would have occurred at all! Hence she had some responsibility to bear as well!

"Alcohol is not an excuse. Is it a factor? Yes. But alcohol was not the one who stripped me, fingered me, had my head dragging against the ground, with me almost fully naked. Having too much to drink was an amateur mistake that I admit to, but it is not criminal. Everyone in this room has had a night where they have regretted drinking too much, or knows someone close to them who has had a night where they have regretted drinking too much. Regretting drinking is not the same as regretting sexual assault. We were both drunk, the difference is I did not take off your pants and underwear, touch you inappropriately, and run away. That’s the difference."

One of my close friends once got very drunk during a work gathering and you know what her male colleagues did? THEY CARRIED HER HOME, AND DID NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER. 

I'm sure there have been many occasions where women have gotten passed out drunk at parties, and many of them have managed to reach home safe and unharmed. So is alcohol the common denominator in date rape cases? No, it is not.

You know what the common denominator is, however? In every case of date rape there is a person present who thinks that it is perfectly acceptable to have sex with someone who is not consenting, or unable to give consent. There is a selfish person present who thinks that their own desire to get laid that night triumphs the desires of their victim.

Herein lies the important difference: remove this person from the situation and no rape will have occurred. However, even if you had removed the victim from the party that night, the rape would still have happened, just to someone else. 

Do you now see why you should not be teaching people not to get raped, but should be teaching people not to rape? Educating people about obtaining enthusiastic consent from the other party from a young age will drastically reduce the number of sexual predators in society.

I've read an argument that we still teach pedestrians to look both sides of the road before crossing it, therefore this somehow justifies pushing the blame onto the victim. Well, firstly, drivers are also taught not to knock people down. Secondly, when accidents do occur, they are not premeditated. Rape is not an accident; nobody gets to argue that one sunny day I tripped and fell onto a drunk guy and my pants "accidentally" dropped and I "accidentally" had sex with him. No such thing.

Myth #2: This is not real rape, it is not like Brock Turner jumped out of the bushes to assault his victim. It was all a misunderstanding.

"Next in the story, two Swedes on bicycles approached you and you ran. When they tackled you why you didn’t say, “Stop! Everything’s okay, go ask her, she’s right over there, she’ll tell you.” I mean you had just asked for my consent, right? I was awake, right? When the policeman arrived and interviewed the evil Swede who tackled you, he was crying so hard he couldn’t speak because of what he’d seen."

The two Swedish men testified that Turner's victim had been unconscious. This fact was backed up by doctors that certified she had been unconscious for three hours. Meaning, unable to respond to external stimuli hence unable to consent. When Brock Turner was spotted by the two men, he immediately started running, which is not a logical response for a guy who was simply making out with a consenting girlfriend. Additionally, Turner had changed his statement many times about the sequence of events leading to the rape.

Detractors can argue till the cows come home that a rape suspect should be treated as innocent until proven guilty, that without concrete evidence we should also listen to the suspect's side of the story.

But this is a clear cut case with medical reports and witness' statements. All evidence points to the fact that Brock Turner was guilty of having sex with someone without her consent and then tried to cover his crime up. All 12 jurors looked upon the evidence they received and unanimously agreed that Brock Turner was guilty of sexual assault on 3 counts.

It doesn't matter if he were the stranger that jumped out of the bushes at 2am in the morning to rape women or the guy at the bar who dragged an unconscious woman behind a dumpster because he "thought" she wanted it. The fact still remains that he forced someone to have sex with him without their consent.

All sex without consent is "real rape", no matter how people try to whitewash it.

#Myth 3: Why couldn't it have been that she regretted having sex afterwards then falsely accused Brock Turner of rape? Or she just called it rape after being seen by two passers-by, so as not to appear like a slut?

It has been shown by sources that false rape accusations make up only 2% of all reports. I've included references from both sides of the argument to prove I'm not talking out of my ass. (Even the washingtonpost, which casts doubt on the severity of the culture of sexual assault, seems to agree on a figure between 2-10%,).

Admittedly, this may not be an accurate statistic, simply because rape is very difficult to prove. Many investigations cannot even proceed due to a lack of witnesses or evidence, direct or circumstantial.

However, I can give you a very good reason why most women will NOT, and WILL NEVER, make false rape accusations.

Read the following excerpt from the victim's letter where she recounts the investigation process she went through to prove she was a rape victim:

"Instead of taking time to heal, I was taking time to recall the night in excruciating detail, in order to prepare for the attorney’s questions that would be invasive, aggressive, and designed to steer me off course, to contradict myself, my sister, phrased in ways to manipulate my answers. Instead of his attorney saying, Did you notice any abrasions? He said, You didn’t notice any abrasions, right? This was a game of strategy, as if I could be tricked out of my own worth. The sexual assault had been so clear, but instead, here I was at the trial, answering questions like: How old are you? How much do you weigh? What did you eat that day? Well what did you have for dinner? Who made dinner? Did you drink with dinner? No, not even water? When did you drink? How much did you drink? What container did you drink out of? Who gave you the drink? How much do you usually drink? Who dropped you off at this party? At what time? But where exactly? What were you wearing? Why were you going to this party? What’ d you do when you got there? Are you sure you did that? But what time did you do that? What does this text mean? Who were you texting? Was your phone on silent when your sister called? Do you remember silencing it? Really because on page 53 I’d like to point out that you said it was set to ring. Did you drink in college? You said you were a party animal? How many times did you black out? Did you party at frats? Are you serious with your boyfriend? Are you sexually active with him? When did you start dating? Would you ever cheat? Do you have a history of cheating? What do you mean when you said you wanted to reward him?"

If you look at the line of questioning rape victims have to go through, it is invasive, degrading and designed to out the victim as the one to blame in this situation. They will try to bring out any hint that the victim was a "slut" in the past, or was wearing provocative clothes to show that it was not the assailant's fault that he thought she really wanted it. Rape victims, contrary to popular belief, are the ones being seen in a negative light, not the rapists. Society will find ways to pin the blame onto them, degrade them, portray them as "cheap sluts" or "stupid people who don't know how to protect themselves".

If you're a male victim of rape, you will have an even harder time seeking justice because society still does not see men as possible victims of sexual assault.

This is the same reason why majority of sexual assault cases go unreported. The victim has little choice but to suffer in silence due to the social ramifications of going public with their attack.

Thus, isn't it unlikely anyone would choose to falsely accuse another person of rape, sit through hours of humiliating physical examinations and interrogations and spend tens of thousands on a court case over a night of regretful sex? I'm not saying it is impossible, but it seems like a high price to pay just to "not appear like a slut".

Myth #4: But...bbbbut what did she expect, men will be men! They cannot control themselves!

"Most importantly, thank you to the two men who saved me, who I have yet to meet. I sleep with two bicycles that I drew taped above my bed to remind myself there are heroes in this story. That we are looking out for one another. To have known all of these people, to have felt their protection and love, is something I will never forget."

Perhaps people have forgotten that there are good men in this situation. Two Swedish men who cycled past the crime scene witnessed the rape and chased down Brock Turner even as he started running. In fact, one of them was so infuriated and traumatised by what was clearly rape in his eyes that he was crying while giving his statement to the police.

I don't deny that society puts pressure on men to be the most alpha of players they can be. They are encouraged to collect women like trophies, and men who are virgins well into their twenties get shamed for it. Sometimes the wrong kind of guys aid and abet each other in degrading women and coercing women to have sex with them.

Just read the victim's letter, she mentioned how Brock Turner just HAD to hook up that night by hook or by crook. It is also noteworthy that Brock Turner had ignored women's boundaries and creeped women out before in the past.

However, there is always a choice in life. You could choose to become the "pimp" that uses women as disposable objects to validate your existence, or you could choose to have healthy, ethical sexual relationships with consenting women. You could choose to blame society for "forcing" you to become a sexual predator, or you could choose to be strong in your values, like the two Swedish men, using their strength to protect someone who is the victim of a crime.

Myth #5: I have run out of arguments but I still refuse to believe that a white, upper class Stanford scholar with stellar sports accomplishments can ever be a rapist. How can such a normal looking guy be a rapist? 

The way society perceives rape can be a complicating issue. We are taught that rapists are strangers lurking around in dark alleyways, waiting to rape women strutting around in short skirts.

This is probably why Brock Turner's friend, Leslie Rasmussen, and his father, felt compelled to write public letters attempting to justify his crime.

Because we have been taught to beware the black man roaming the streets at night, the Syrian refugee that goes around molesting German women, the Bangladeshi construction worker who preys on local women walking past the streets at night. Because we have been taught that rapists are other-wordly monsters, animals from another society, and "do not represent you and I".

This is why it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that a rapist can be a very normal guy in your very own social circle, sometimes our own families. Majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows and trusts, not a complete stranger.

That's why it is so difficult to see how easily a normal person can become a rapist- when they are so smitten with someone that they just HAD to get that date, regardless of the other party's wishes, "oh how dare they friend-zone me, oh if only they got completely drunk they would never say no to me anymore... since she wouldn't say yes, all I have to do is to remove her ability to say no, that also counts, right?"

Dear all, rape will not stop if women stopped drinking, partying, being "sluts", being friends with men, going to college, walking on streets, being seen, breathing... Molest will not stop just because banners are put up in buses telling people to call the police if they get molested and stop being victims of crime.  

Rape will stop when the myths about men, women, relationships, sexual dynamics and entitlement stop.

Rape will stop when men stopped seeing women like toys to be played with then tossed away regardless of her feelings and wishes. 

Rape will stop when men are taught to respect the word "no" when a woman is not interested.

Rape will stop when society recognises that men and boys can be victims, and offer them the support they need rather than insinuate they must have secretly wanted it.

Rape will stop when families and friends recognise early signs of entitlement in their loved ones, and sat them down to educate them about getting consent before they can do anything with someone else.

Rape will stop when the myths stop.