Travel Diaries 11: Travelling as a woman

Throughout my young adulthood one factor that influenced my willingness to travel was safety. Of course, there were other factors like not being very interested in travelling in the first place, money and time. There was a lot of peer pressure at the time to travel Europe and make the most of my uni days since I studied in London. I struggled both with FOMO and FOGM (Fear of getting mugged) at the same time.

When it comes to travelling solo as a woman, there is a wide range of advice out there ranging between "women should not travel alone, they should never leave the house without holding their daddy mummy's hands!" to "IT IS PERFECTLY SAFE TO BACKPACK ACROSS AFGHANISTAN AT 3AM! THE PEOPLE ARE AMAZING!!111" Obviously, either extreme is not accurate. Nevertheless, safety ought to be of paramount importance if you do travel, and this post will discuss how I strike a balance between enjoying my holiday, and keeping myself safe.

Budapest, Hungary. Beautiful place by day but the streets quiet and scary at night.

If you are a woman you'd know that the world is not a friendly place for us. I live in Singapore, thankfully one of the safest countries on the planet, but the same cannot be said elsewhere. These risks hold us back from fully enjoying the wonders that travel brings us. I personally travel in a conservative, precautious manner. It might be too restrictive for some, but I still managed to thoroughly enjoy my holidays.

Many people have this misconception that to be cautious is to be hypervigilant. Being cautious is to be aware of potentially dangerous situations, early tell-tale signs, and what kinds of people to avoid. It also means being ready to remove yourself from a bad situation swiftly and decisively, without the fear of looking rude or anti-social.

Note: I am not a crime expert and not a Subject Matter Expert on travelling solo. I rarely travel alone and can't tell you what trekking alone in the mountains or being in a high-crime area is like. Some of it may even come as no shit to seasoned travellers. These are things I personally practice and I found have given me peace of mind (not complacency, peace of mind). Hence, I am writing this entire post with the tone of "I would do XXX" rather than "Do XXXX". Ultimately, pick what works for you and disregard what doesn't.

1. I set clear objectives for my trip and don't deviate as far as possible.

This not only helps with packing, convinience and time allocation, but it helps me narrow my focus in terms of safety precautions.

Walking around in certain parts of Europe means being prepared for its cobbled streets and having the appropriate footwear.

If my trip was going to be outdoors and involve hiking, I would pay close attention to my food, water and medical supplies for the day. If I was going to remain in a big city where there would be crowds, I will be careful with my backpack/cash, and store my money in different places (bag, socks, shoes, front-facing waistbag). 

2. I come to terms with what is realistically possible given my objectives and taper my expectations.

I always tell myself that at the end of the day, I am a tourist in their country and there is no real reason for me to be more involved than I ought to be.

A big idea around travelling involves "making friends" and it's almost like you didn't really travel if you don't. I think we need to define "making friends" realistically. I know of people who feel pressured to crash on a local stranger's couch, live in an AirBnb with a host, or in general get involved with people in ways they shouldn't be in order to "blend with the culture". If that is your kind of thing, sure! Do it at your own risk. 

I used to envy people who seem to be able to find friends and community in almost every place in the world, but after much reflection I've decided I am happy to live without it.

It is not possible to make friends in the short span of a 5 day holiday. You would not have had enough time to vet these people and trust them enough to let them into your personal life. Trying too hard to force this experience will only set one up for disappointment and put one at risk of allowing dangerous characters into your life. The only time I really made foreign friends was when I was studying in London and they were trusted friends I had known for at least a year.

Once I recognise this, it allows me to detach from people and situations and makes it a lot easier for me to remove myself from potentially dangerous situations.

3. I pick my travel companions wisely (and strongly urge you to).

I personally only ever travel with immediate family, long-time close (female) friends, or in a big group with colleagues/friends I am generally comfortable with. Notwithstanding the fact that your travel companion can make or break your holiday, often you'd be safer travelling alone than with the wrong companion. For safety reasons, these are the types of people I would recommend against travelling with:

- People who do not have safety instincts. 

Travelling alone is better than travelling with someone with no safety instincts, even if they are big and tall and can supposedly protect you. I was once walking on the streets in London with a male colleague, and a vehicle pulled up in front of us and the inebrieted teenagers who were sitting inside yelled at us if we wanted drugs. The colleague, instead of avoiding them like he should, went TOWARDS their vehicle to engage them. These are the same kinds of people who will follow dubious strangers down dark alleys, offer your accomodation address, your full name and your number to random strangers. These are the same people who will leave your hotel room door unlocked at night or yell out how much cash you brought with you in public. DO NOT invite them on your trips.

- People who engage in high risk behaviour. 

If you are not visiting a place for its night scene, there's absolutely no reason for you to pick a travel companion who will get dead drunk at 2am, (and you need to drag their body back to the hotel alone on an empty street of course) or who will consort with dodgy characters under the pretext of "making friends".

- People with no empathy. 

These are the people who will not listen to you when you tell them you feel unsafe. They will gaslight you, make things about themselves, say you are over-reacting or being overly sensitive in a bad situation. You should not even be friends with someone like that, let alone travel with them.

- I highly recommend against travelling with any guy you are not family or in a committed relationship with, unless you are in a group. If you are a single woman and you believe it is safer to travel with a guy than alone, you may be in for a rude shock. Male friends are the demographic that is most likely to assault you (47% of all rapes are by a friend or an acquiantance, compared to 25% by a partner and 5% by a relative), definitely more so than a complete stranger. If you have a male travel companion in mind whom you don't know very well, and especially if he demonstrates one or more of the other traits I spoke about above, you may want to consider booking a group tour based in your home country or with family and closer friends instead if you really are not comfortable travelling alone.

I would also refrain from announcing that I will be travelling to XX location and open jio-ing on social media (even if your social media is set to friends only). I would meet only trusted friends at that location, and privately message them directly.

Definitely do not announce that you are a "lone female traveller" on social media, even if you are trying to connect with other solo female travellers. (Many creeps LARP as women on the internet) On social media, show where you have been, not where you are going.

4. Don't plan to fail.

One response I often get is that "I cannot prevent being mugged, raped or kidnapped," the implication being that I might as well don't try. To this I want to say there is a world of difference between minimising your risks, and trying to 100% fail safe your holiday. You cannot do the latter but you certainly can accomplish the former.

People tell me that "quite often you need to rely on the kindness of strangers". I absolutely disagree. In dire situations when a earthquake happens and I have no choice but to pray that a kind stranger helps me out of there, yes, I agree. However, why the hell would I set myself up to be in a situation where I have no choice but to rely on their kindness and by extension, be subject to their UNKINDNESS? Whether it be due to poor planning or downright laissez-faire attutude? Things I can prevent, I do it. Factors I can control, I control.

Lisbon, Portugal- while nothing is in English, the metro is easy to navigate

Things I do:

- Plan for accessible accomodation if I don't have chartered transport.

- My itinerary always ends 1 hour before sundown so I can make it back to my place of accomodation by sundown (applicable if I am in Europe). It is relatively safe to be outdoors past sundown in places like Japan

- I stick to subways in cities as far as possible (practical, low risk of derailing, uncomplicated) 

- As far as possible, I do not interact with people who approach me out of the blue, unless they approach me to tell me I had dropped something or to warn me of a fire/earthquake. I look ambiguously South-East Asian, (Chinese people cannot even tell I am ethnic Chinese, apparently) so I could always pretend I didn't speak the language and move away.

- I try not to plan landmarks or routes where I would have to transit in the wilderness for hours by myself with a strange driver. 

- As tempting as it is I do not respond to racist provocations. JUST PRETEND YOU DON'T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE AND WALK AWAY. Racially charged hate crimes and crimes against women are becoming increasingly common.

- I do not blindly trust strangers and I ask a lot of questions. I always point out observations that are out of the ordinary. (Asking a lot of questions makes you come across as difficult and a poor choice for a crime victim) For instance, I will ask "where are we going? what's the route?" with cabs or private car hires. I will check my own Google Maps to periodically to ensure drivers are not derailing me.

5. Be conscious about what is considered normal for your surroundings.

Why is the popular saying "listen to your gut!" so practical and accurate? It is because when you go about your daily activities, your brain subconsciously registers what is normal for the environment. It alerts you, subtly, when it observes something which is out of that norm.

Check out this video and see if you can identify "the signs" in each story.

 

This website gives a very good breakdown of how your gut feeling works, why "your sixth sense is tingling" and why it is a good idea to listen to it.

For example, I consider it a bad sign if I do not see women walking unaccompanied on a particular street. I will avoid neighbourhoods where I see most households having large dogs (people living there must feel that they need one, for whatever reason). You see men loitering in transit areas - turn around and walk the other way. You enter the lift with a stranger who does not press any buttons and just follows you all the way up- do not enter your hotel room. Go back downstairs and call for help at the lobby.

6. Knowing martial arts/whatever self-defense tool is useless. Don't let that lull you into complacency.

For people who are in professions that train them to kill (police, military), the training often comes with psychological preparation. It is not easy to harm another human life even out of self-defense, and this goes double in situations you need to kill or be killed (hence the concept of "freezing" when facing danger) This is also ignoring the massive strength assymmetry between a woman and the average male assailant. "Equal rights equal fights" is pure misogyny of the most despicable kind so don't let people who believe them lead you believe you need to be able to physically fend off asailant(s) to be regarded as worthy of respect as a man is.

Are you prepared psychologically to hurt to disable someone who is about to kill you?

Are you capable of self-protection against a bigger, stronger assailant?

Are you aware of the legal definitions of "self-protection" and the difference between that and assault?

If your answer to any of the above questions is no, then please do not think you are safe and throw all precautions out the window just because you learned Akido once. Street smarts will save you more (and way earlier) than Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will.

7. Safeguard critical information about yourself.

Personally, I try to keep my conversations with my hosts in the destination country as professional as I can. i.e. They are in the hospitality industry, I keep my conversations about the tourist destinations, local culture, good food etc. I have no qualms about lying to drivers about where I am from, not giving out my real full name or mashing up details about my personal life. Who cares if I simultaneously tell the cab driver I was an engineer and worked at Barclay's in the same conversation? I won't see him again once I get out of his car. You learn a lot about the destination this way and don't give out more information than necessary about yourself. 

Most importantly, if they don't need to know where you are staying, don't tell them the name of your hotel. Say you are staying with your uncle and aunt who live in that city and who own a large dog.

8. Ensure that a trusted friend in your location or family and friends back home are updated on your last known location at regular, agreed upon intervals.

Many consider it way too extreme to report their whereabouts to their parents every 12 hours, but I do so at significant checkpoints when overseas anyway. Should you go missing, after 72 hours the chances of finding you, dead or alive, decreases drastically. Regular updates add predictability, so if your loved ones do not get a ping from you at an expected time, they will know something is off and can alert whoever they have to at soonest opportunity. I don't know it works but at least very least authorities know where to start.

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I must clarify that on all my overseas trips, most of the people I had met were friendly and generally polite, and I have never been in situations where I genuinely felt I was about to get into serious trouble. I will never know to this day if the reason is because those people were genuinely kind, or because they decided I wasn't their type of victim.

I know a couple of women who have travelled solo multiple times, and their views on what constitutes acceptable risks vary. I respect wherever they have chosen to be on the scale. 

As women, we all grow up being bombarded by friends and relatives who have strong views about travelling, advice that almost borders on a simple "don't go, go with your family or boyfriend or husband", putting in psychological fears in us that potentially have costed us many opportunities. I think these concerns are legitimate, in the sense that we are at risk of assault and have to be concerned with more in the way of safety. However, I also don't believe the solution to that is to simply shut yourself at home. The way to navigate these risks are through research, proper vetting, a healthy dose of skepticism and minimising unnecessary risks. This is my sweet zone, which I find has worked for me be it when I'm with a large tour group or riding an overnight bus alone. And it is only with a peace of mind that you can truly enjoy your holiday and experience what the destination has to offer.

Stay safe my friends!