A girl's guide to being ugly

I don't believe that "all women are beautiful".

No, it's not because I believe there is an objective standard to what constitutes "beautiful" and that there are women who will never meet that standard.

It's not because I believe some women just ARE ugly and should accept their place in society as sub-quality specimens.

It is because I don't believe "beautiful" is an adjective that needs to be attributed to a woman for her to have value.

In early history, women were not allowed to get an education and hold a job, and back then our only value to society was rearing and raising children. Since that was our only option in life, beauty and fertility were our everything- because we were not allowed to be anything else.

Fast forward thousands of years later, women earned ourselves the right to vote, get an education, hold down our own jobs and hobbies and all in all be more than a child-rearing machine. But because the remnants of archaic beliefs from thousands of years ago still linger, society still tags beauty and sexual desirability to our primary value as human beings.

Society has run itself along the assumptions that a woman's greatest fear is to not be perceived as beautiful. A woman's weight and age become sensitive topics, because god forbid we are no longer fresh and young demi-goddesses. Then, after building our self-esteem around how physical beautiful others find us, society chips and tears at it by telling us we are fat, we are wrinkled, BUY BUY BUY our slimming and beauty products! All this because of the assumption that if we feel ugly, then we MUST feel worthless.

Many women are starting to stand up against those archaic beliefs, and yes, in my opinion, we all should. We see slogans like "you are beautiful just the way you are" or the fat acceptance movement. Society itself, too, has started swinging the other way, not only advocating that we should stop making women feel bad about our physical flaws, but advocating that we should be told we are beautiful and special everyday.

Looks have been so integral to a woman's self-worth and self-esteem then women have suffered, gone to extreme lengths or even died from it. Ask the thousands of women who have suffered from anorexia or poor health in a bid to attain an unhealthy standard of beauty. 

Today, as someone who has grown up ugly and lived, breathed and eaten ugliness for her entire life, I want to tell you why I think women all ought to embrace being ugly.

Reason 1: You can never be beautiful to everyone you meet.

Ask people to name one woman whom they think comes closest to the textbook definition of "beautiful". You will probably see names like Fan Bing Bing, Angelababy, Aiswarya Rai or Miranda Kerr popping up pretty often.

Fan Bing Bing, for instance, is widely considered by international media as "The Chinese Beauty", having starred in mega-productions as Yang Gui Fei or Wu Zetian.

Yet...DEN DEN DEN... there are still people who think Fan Bing Bing is ugly.

For those who can't read Chinese, the above are a couple of forum threads discussing how ugly they think Fan Bing Bing is. Two of the threads are discussions on whether Shu Qi or Fan Bing Bing is uglier. Nasty.

It just shows that even the women who come closest to the definition of "beautiful" will never be universally considered attractive.

Perhaps she is not the perfect example to illustrate the subjectiveness of beauty. The people who find FBB ugly are a very small minority and it doesn't change the fact that the bulk of her success is  primarily because she is the embodiment of the mainstream standard of beauty.

Yes, so meeting an objective beauty standard does come with its fair share of privileges and benefits. However, which beauty standard are you going to pick to try and live up to? Mankind has not been able to decide on one universal standard since the beginning of time.

Beauty standards across the world and throughout history have been extremely diverse. Just to state an example from Ancient China, during the Han Dynasty, women aspired towards slenderness, while in the Tang Dynasty if was preferred that women are a little more rotund. It brought about the Chinese saying 燕瘦环肥- despite the differences in Zhao Feiyan and Yang Guifei's sizes, they were each considered great beauties in the era they belonged to.

Today, beauty standards are still extremely diverse.

Check out this link that documents an interview with Victoria's Secret Angel Liu Wen.

How shocking, that a Victoria's Secret Angel, what is considered to be the epitome of female beauty, is talking about how she was not considered beautiful when she was back in China. The Chinese prefer the fresh-faced, large eyed porcelain doll look as opposed to Liu Wen's sharp chiselled features.

Another example can be seen through makeup trends. In the West, women prefer to contour their faces, giving it a bolder, defined look, focusing on their eye makeup, while East Asian makeup styles tend to go for the fair, sweet, pinkish-toned theme. Even in Singapore where the population is pre-dominantly Chinese, many girls prefer to go for the Kylie Jenner look over the traditional Korean/Japanese makeup style.

Huda Kattan is a Dubai makeup artist whose line is selling like hotcakes in America, the Middle East and Singapore, but her style of makeup will probably not fly in Japan or Korea.

All in all the statement "I want to be pretty" doesn't really make any sense.

By whose standard do you want to be measured by? Your crush? What you looked like yesterday? The social media industry? Let me tell you that all of these people/entities probably have a very different idea of what beauty is. So before you let comments about your looks (or lack thereof) crush your self-esteem, I think it is important to recognise that just because some people find you unattractive it doesn't mean you are objectively ugly. It is just in human nature that we all have different preferences and are all attracted to different things.

Reason 2: Being ugly has forced me to develop other talents in order to be noticed.

I wasn't ugly in my teens.

I was god damn ugly.

Puberty ruined my life, I ballooned to whooping 53kg when I was merely 160cm in Sec One. I started getting oily skin, still have it. I lived with a bad hair cut my whole school life and I could never get into any popular clique in school (though in my defense, I never tried). I was rejected by my crush who liked someone else and everyday at school I reminded that the girls who were prettier got treated better. Not only the guys did that, other girls did it too. (Not the guys in my class though, they were really nice)

Me at my prime

I turned to makeup tutorials on Youtube for tips on how to transform into a goddess. Back then, all I wanted was to stop feeling invisible. Like my self-esteem and feelings didn't matter relative to those of the pretty girls. I wanted guys to like and respect me.

Fast forward eight years later, I am no longer an awkward girl that guys avoid. I have meaningful friendships with guys, the guys I meet take a genuine interest in my life and vice versa. I may not be popular but I have long-lasting friendships that survived multiple ordeals.

Yet guess what? It had nothing to do with my makeup, clothes or haircut. It was because I worked hard on my EQ, stopped seeing every guy as a potential partner and instead made an effort to genuinely know them as a person. I was making myself a more interesting person to be around by getting new hobbies and taking an interest in multiple things.

My quality of life, my self-esteem and my relationships have all improved, not because I am no longer ugly (because I still am), but because I never allowed "ugly girl" to be the core of my identity. I didn't allow it to become an excuse for all my problems. I chose to believe what I can't change (my face), I can make up for in other areas. So I became the girl with the funny blog. I was the one who was good in science, I started going into fitness and writing for NGOs... now I just simply have too many goals and hobbies to be preoccupied with how ugly I am.

Frankly, looking back now, I think I was ignored because I was not a pleasant person to be around back then, rather than because I am ugly.

I am still into makeup and fashion, but these are side-interests to me, rather than things I need to have so my life would suck less.

As teenagers we craved validation the most then and we were most vulnerable to external influences. A lot of teenage girls who suffer from growing pains and self-esteem issues think that somehow all their problems will disappear if they were skinny, pretty and popular. However, sometimes I think back at the popular pretty girls who made me feel so bad about myself and wonder if my life would have really been better had I been pretty.

There was a girl I used to know in my younger days who was popular because she was so "skinny and pretty". Yet, I personally found her one of the most annoying, entitled brats I had ever met. She constantly cried and did stupid things for attention. When others had issues, SHE would start breaking down ("I feel so sad for them" she says), turning the attention all onto her instead. I would make casual comments about my own feelings and fears in front of her (because we were supposedly a "bonded community") then she would turn around and broadcast it to people who didn't need to hear it. When I once approached her on msn about an issue that I felt was unjust (though I knew it wasn't her fault and I was by no means blaming her), she invalidated my feelings and laughed in my face.

The last straw was when she caused me to sustain a tailbone injury that lasted months because she was throwing yet another one of her passive-aggressive tantrums and she was not even apologetic about it. All this while, I had to pretend I could get along with her because everyone else was worshipping her like she freaking created mankind. I consider her one of the worst things that happened to me in my teens and I'm so glad I don't have to see her again. 

I had long recovered from said injury and I don't believe she acted out of malice more than out of ignorance. However, if being "pretty" and popular meant you are also insecure self-entitled mess who can't stand not having the spotlight on you for a second, then heck I'd rather be "ugly".

Reason 3: I think forcing people to call me pretty is being very self-entitled.

While I don't agree that women should be made to feel bad about our physical flaws, I can't agree with how people are choosing to deal with the issue by swinging to the other extreme end, insisting we must be called beautiful/made to feel special just for existing?

We want to be recognised for our talents and achievements instead of our looks all the time, and yet many try to put that point across through movements like fat activism, slogans like "every size is beautiful"- essentially still making it all about looks.

Look at what most fat activists are clamouring for- representation in the modelling industry, on Victoria's Secret runway shows... I don't see them advocating for representation in the military (which discriminates against obesity in the most blatant way- and for a good reason), in sports or in the sciences?

Why should it matter if people think we are ugly if we have talents and achievements we can be proud of? Why must they call us beautiful for us to be able to love ourselves?

Feminists always call out men for behaviours that signal male entitlement. We advocate that we should not be obliged to give men attention, to make them feel like a man, to put their feelings at the core of everything we do...which is a great point to make! I agree! But isn't insisting that men should make us feel special, pick us over the traditionally pretty girl, or say that every size is pretty ALSO entitlement?

Look, I think that all people deserve basic human respect and should not be bullied for the way they look.

But telling women they are beautiful no matter what is problematic because it somehow makes a villain out of people who don't find them attractive? It's like "I am beautiful if you don't agree it's because you subscribe to some kind of narrow standard and are somehow shallow"- when the truth is that beauty is simply extremely subjective. It just reeks of that vibe you know?

If the point is to tell women that they should not feel pressured to change and conform to society's standards, then IMO what we should be telling them is point 1. We should tell them beauty is subjective, and while not everyone is going to find them attractive, there will be people who will. There are people who will dig what they have to offer and they should seek out those people instead of being hung up on those who don't.

I like to use the metaphor of seeking a job- sometimes your qualifications are not going to be a match to some employers. It doesn't mean you are objectively shit, you just need to either work on your qualifications, find employers who are looking for what you have to offer, or expand your search circle.

Demanding to be told that "All women are beautiful just the way they are" is the equivalent of you demanding employment no matter what and that employers must be somehow stupid and shallow if they reject you.

Reason 4: If you don't allow the word "ugly" to hurt you, then society cannot use it manipulate you into doing what you don't want to do.

If you come to think of it, a lot of pressures women face in our lives are rooted in a fear of being, or eventually becoming ugly.

Even if you are comfortable in your skin, there will be people who will try to shake that confidence. You don't mind being ugly? I could fry an egg on your oily forehead, you should sign up for our anti-acne package for $5000. Don't you want hair and eyes like Angelababy's? Visit our cosmetic surgeon today! Your wrinkles are showing, it's a freaking crime! Come for our laser treatment or burn at a stake you witch!

They pressure you into settling for men you don't love because "when you hit 25 and become a leftover woman* you will really have no one". They constantly remind you your clock is ticking, you are no longer young and beautiful, you won't be loved if you are no longer so. Misogynists will say things like "a woman is only desirable between 16-22 after that fucking ugly already (a real quote from a real person btw)", in a bid to shame women for daring to reject them. How dare we be uppity, our lives go downhill past 22 while they will be shagging models and the joke will be on us HURDURDURHUR

These attempts at chipping at your self-worth don't even necessarily always come from greedy merchants or misogynistic semi-paedophiles**. Sometimes they come from your family or friends, not because they have bad intentions, but because they have grown up in an era where marriage and raising kids was everything to a woman.

I would say the key to not allowing yourself to be pressured is to stop being affected by the word "unattractive". Remember that your entire being doesn't comprise only of how pretty you are. If you don't get your self-esteem smashed when people say you can't sing/can't dance/can't whatever, why let being called ugly crush you? You should see the word "ugly" like how you would see any other descriptor of your phyiscal appearance, such as "having black hair" or "having olive skin". A word will have no power over you if you don't let it hurt you.

Once you have significantly reduced the chances of being misled by your own insecurities, it becomes much, much easier to really find out what makes you happy. For example, many new mothers stop caring about their weight gain because their child is now their new priority. They derive happiness from their child's well-being rather than say, their waistline. There are also many women who choose to focus on travelling the world, their careers or developing their hobbies, due to the knowledge that those things make them way happier than marriage ever well. For those who marry, it is because they have found the love of their lives and want to spend the rest of their lives with him, not because they HAVE TO lest their entire beings expire at 22.

And they stand firm in their choice.

Anyway, contrary to popular belief, it is not all that grim for women in terms of marriage prospects once a woman reaches 30. Take a look at this link (in Chinese though)- it lists five Asian female celebrities who have married significantly younger men. Their husbands are all gorgeous by the way.

 Li Bing Bing and husband

Chen Yan Xi and husband

I can hear those misogynistic semi-paedos going "ya but most wamman are not Gao Yuan Yuan/Alyssa Chia"- ya well most men aren't Jay Chou either. In the first place, I don't think anyone should be shamed for marrying late, but since you people are doing it already why reserve the shaming for women only? Looks degenerate with age whether you are male or female. "OOOH BUT OLDER MEN HAVE MONEY YA" - newsflash, you are not the kind of older men young models like Angelababy want to marry. Those men are too busy working on their own lives to be constantly making degenerate comments about women. So instead of being blinded by your rage against women for daring to make choices you disagree with, why not work on your own flaws?

You can choose to deal with ugliness however you want- some choose to ignore it and just wear whatever they are comfortable with, others want to experiment fashion and makeup. Both are respectable choices, one camp shouldn't bash the other. However, whatever choice you make, be fully aware of the motivations behind that choice. Be clear that you made it out of genuine desire for the consequences for the choice, not out of fear of the alternative.

In conclusion,

- You don't have to be considered young, slim and beautiful by mainstream society.

- You even don't have to BE young, slim and beautiful.

- You can love yourself while still being told that you are ugly. Ugliness is not the core of our identity and we don't have to make it a central part of our lives.

- Do whatever makes you happy, be it applying makeup to enhance your looks or simply dressing comfortably and however you wish. No matter your choice, let it be because you want it, not because you think you need it.

Girls, we don't have to be beautiful. Ugly is not a scary word. It doesn't have to ruin our self-worth. Love yourself, and never settle for just being "pretty" or "ugly". 


* Leftover woman, or 剩女, is a derogatory term coined by Chinese society to describe any woman who is above the age of 27 who is still single. Ironically, this is despite men in China being far more likely to be "leftovers" than Chinese women due to the one-child policy having skewed the gender ratio  significantly as traditional Chinese families preferred to raise boys.

**Anybody who believes that a woman is most desirable between the ages of 16-22 is clearly bullshitting and looking for "scientific" bollocks to justify their semi-paedophilia. A girl fresh out of JC at 18 simply does not have the kind of spending power a woman in her late twenties or older has to invest in skincare and beauty. Moreover, what is a girl at 16 focusing on? Exams. School. The toll the hormones are taking on her body + lack of spending power greatly outweigh the so-called peak of youth and fertility that semi-paedophiles seem so obsessed with.