5 things women want men to start doing
Hello friends :D This entry was supposed to have happened a whole two months ago but I kept putting off posting this because I needed to find the right way to express myself and therefore, the tardiness.
An infamous mass murder happened in the States this May, involving a man named Elliot Rodger. Elliot Rodger, a self-proclaimed "Nice Guy (TM)" who feels victimised about women "friendzoning" him, decides to deliver justice to all women in the world by infiltrating a sorority party and murdering 4 men and 2 women. WAO. This led to a trending topic on Twitter entitled #yesallwomen, where women shared their everyday experiences of sexism and misogyny.
Now, I had actually blogged out a draft addressing this topic from a very different angle from what I am writing now, but for some reason I didn't publish the post. And I am so glad I did not because this issue is way too important.
The issues of rape, misogyny and Elliot Rogers and friendzoning are so closely tied that it is impossible to address them all seperately.
Let me let you all in on a secret.
Women avoid walking home alone late at night in fear of harrassment. We avoid getting drunk around a group of strange men in fear of sexual assault. (I just simply don't drink). We are afraid of answering the door in hotel rooms. We are afraid of helping strangers who might genuinely need help because, strangers. We do not meet random people who try to add us or talk to us on Facebook. We don't accept random invitations to dates from guys we've only met for 2 days. We are afraid of taking lifts or receiving help from strangers. Everyday women live in subconscious fear that we'd be raped, beaten or killed.
We know that a vast majority of guys are not psychopaths who will torture, rape and murder us. But a minority is. We DO NOT know who these rapists are among our circle of friends. We will not know with 100% certainty until he starts sexually assaulting us. It's like a game of Russian Roulette- 5 empty chambers, 1 with a bullet. We do not know if we will get killed. Take a chance and we might end up losing our lives.
As part of the daily rituals that we partake in to keep ourselves safe, we are also very keen observers of our surroundings. We are very sensitive to red flags (signs that a certain person or situation may become dangerous for us). Due to all these factors it is inevitable that women see meeting new people and going on dates in a very different light than men do.
From a man's point of view it may seem like women are too quick to vilify all men as potential Elliot Rodgers. This is why #yesallwomen received such a huge backlash on Twitter, with men tweeting #notallmen in retaliation. Yes we know that not all men are potential attackers. But every woman has been the target of misogyny or sexual harassment at least once in her life. Invalidating the experiences of women only causes an even bigger divide between men and women who are supposed to be working together to end violence.
So may I instead propose the following courses of action for all the decent, non-psychopathic guys out there. I know you belong in the majority.
1. Be open to discussions about women's experiences with sexism in our daily interactions.
A lot of people accept social structures the way they are without questioning them. Nobody questions why men are always expected to make the first move; nobody questions why society considers it an achievement for men to sleep with multiple women, while when a women sleeps with multiple men society goes into the "keys and locks" bullshit. Nobody challenges these things? Believe it or not women are communicating our world views all the time. We do it through social media, heck we do it through our daily actions. What we need is for people to all collectively start paying attention and thinking about it. The more men and women get together to have conversations about these, the more we can sort out gender issues that affect everybody (sexism hurts men too, don't forget that). We can all afford to have better friendships/relationships if we stop holding harmful assumptions about the opposite sex.
2. Recognise that no woman owes you a relationship.
We are thankful for the men in our lives who care for and respect us. However, what women deem as danger signs may not be immediately obvious to men because like I mentioned above, men are not conditioned from a young age to be wary of sex predators the same way women are. Here are a list of red flags of male entitlement:
4. Recognise that women are not public property.
No, our presence in public space does not mean you can hit on us. It does not mean you can keep trying to strike conversations with us despite us giving clear signals that we don't want to talk to you. It is not okay to look through my Facebook and comment on the way I smile. It is not okay to comment on my single status/boyfriend. It is not okay to comment on what kind of men I want to date. It is not okay to match-make me with your friends. It is not okay to comment on my body. Just no, and tell all your friends that.
People generally have social boundaries as to what is acceptable at any social situation. Both men and women have these boundaries in play but sadly, men's boundaries are more likely to be respected than women's boundaries. I don't know, is it because society thinks women exist for the sake of public scrutiny? Such that it is acceptable to constantly force interaction upon us, or pry into our lives despite knowing us for only 1 week? I wish I had an answer to that. But if you ask me why social boundaries are so important to us women, then refer to my point about women living in fear daily.
5. Recognise that you can do your part to end violence against women.
Majority of men are not misogynists. We know. We know that men are better than this. And we need your help. If you see deplorable behaviour from men which you know may make a woman uncomfortable, call it out. Stop it. Think about what sort of world you want your sisters, wives and daughters to be living in.
1 Elliot Rodger is enough. 1 misogyny-driven mass shooting is enough. Let's not encourage more Elliot Rodgers.
Afternote: I am aware that sexual violence happens to men to, and that women can also be perpetrators of violence. However I think it's safe to say that the motivations behind woman-on-man crime are vastly different and it deserves a whole separate discussion for itself altogether.
An infamous mass murder happened in the States this May, involving a man named Elliot Rodger. Elliot Rodger, a self-proclaimed "Nice Guy (TM)" who feels victimised about women "friendzoning" him, decides to deliver justice to all women in the world by infiltrating a sorority party and murdering 4 men and 2 women. WAO. This led to a trending topic on Twitter entitled #yesallwomen, where women shared their everyday experiences of sexism and misogyny.
Image credit to nydailynews
Now, I had actually blogged out a draft addressing this topic from a very different angle from what I am writing now, but for some reason I didn't publish the post. And I am so glad I did not because this issue is way too important.
The issues of rape, misogyny and Elliot Rogers and friendzoning are so closely tied that it is impossible to address them all seperately.
Let me let you all in on a secret.
Women avoid walking home alone late at night in fear of harrassment. We avoid getting drunk around a group of strange men in fear of sexual assault. (I just simply don't drink). We are afraid of answering the door in hotel rooms. We are afraid of helping strangers who might genuinely need help because, strangers. We do not meet random people who try to add us or talk to us on Facebook. We don't accept random invitations to dates from guys we've only met for 2 days. We are afraid of taking lifts or receiving help from strangers. Everyday women live in subconscious fear that we'd be raped, beaten or killed.
We know that a vast majority of guys are not psychopaths who will torture, rape and murder us. But a minority is. We DO NOT know who these rapists are among our circle of friends. We will not know with 100% certainty until he starts sexually assaulting us. It's like a game of Russian Roulette- 5 empty chambers, 1 with a bullet. We do not know if we will get killed. Take a chance and we might end up losing our lives.
From a man's point of view it may seem like women are too quick to vilify all men as potential Elliot Rodgers. This is why #yesallwomen received such a huge backlash on Twitter, with men tweeting #notallmen in retaliation. Yes we know that not all men are potential attackers. But every woman has been the target of misogyny or sexual harassment at least once in her life. Invalidating the experiences of women only causes an even bigger divide between men and women who are supposed to be working together to end violence.
So may I instead propose the following courses of action for all the decent, non-psychopathic guys out there. I know you belong in the majority.
1. Be open to discussions about women's experiences with sexism in our daily interactions.
A lot of people accept social structures the way they are without questioning them. Nobody questions why men are always expected to make the first move; nobody questions why society considers it an achievement for men to sleep with multiple women, while when a women sleeps with multiple men society goes into the "keys and locks" bullshit. Nobody challenges these things? Believe it or not women are communicating our world views all the time. We do it through social media, heck we do it through our daily actions. What we need is for people to all collectively start paying attention and thinking about it. The more men and women get together to have conversations about these, the more we can sort out gender issues that affect everybody (sexism hurts men too, don't forget that). We can all afford to have better friendships/relationships if we stop holding harmful assumptions about the opposite sex.
2. Recognise that no woman owes you a relationship.
Recognise that women owe you nothing. Not our bodies, not our hearts, not our time, not our headspace. Nothing. The whole "friendzoning" rhetoric is a problematic mindset that leads to plenty of problems. It is an assumption that just because you were nice to a woman, she is obliged to "give you a chance". It is an assumption that women are only good for sex and not worth making friends with (which is why they dread being in the friendzone so much). Male entitlement is one form of misogyny and it is dangerous. Look at what Elliot Rodger did- he shot the women whom he felt denied him from what he thinks was rightfully his (sex). It can manifest in many other harmful ways- date rape or even just hostile behaviour in general towards women who reject these men.
Remember the subconscious fear that I mentioned earlier? Women are very sensitive towards red flags. The fact that such men are constantly rejected by women might be due to these misogynistic attitudes manifesting outwardly. Women can smell these things from a mile away.
3. Call out people who exhibit dangerous forms of male entitlement.
Listen, this is important. We need people to call out sexist men. We need people to tell these men that their behaviour is not only not acceptable, it is wrong and they will be punished for it. We know that many men will not perpetuate sexist behaviour, but by tolerating it, you are letting such behaviour go unquestioned; it will automatically be assumed that sexism is normal in society and something women should just put up with.We are thankful for the men in our lives who care for and respect us. However, what women deem as danger signs may not be immediately obvious to men because like I mentioned above, men are not conditioned from a young age to be wary of sex predators the same way women are. Here are a list of red flags of male entitlement:
- Men who constantly harrass a woman who has said no, or ignored his advances multiple times. It is not okay to keep calling, texting, whatsapp-ing if the woman does not respond positively. No means no. No such thing as "being so persistent that one day she might relent". Many women are afraid of outright rejecting someone in fear of hurting the guy's feelings, or escalating the situation into a potentially violent one. A man who ignores a woman's "no" in a non-sexual setting may also ignore her "no" in a sexual setting.
- Men who use hostile language towards women who have done nothing to them personally, or who reject them/stand up to them.
- Men who think they have a right to be degrading towards women, and use hostile language towards anyone who tells them off
- Men who resent women for choosing men who are different from them (one sign of this is those guys who always post memes on social media about being friendzoned, about bitches who only like money, etc).
4. Recognise that women are not public property.
No, our presence in public space does not mean you can hit on us. It does not mean you can keep trying to strike conversations with us despite us giving clear signals that we don't want to talk to you. It is not okay to look through my Facebook and comment on the way I smile. It is not okay to comment on my single status/boyfriend. It is not okay to comment on what kind of men I want to date. It is not okay to match-make me with your friends. It is not okay to comment on my body. Just no, and tell all your friends that.
People generally have social boundaries as to what is acceptable at any social situation. Both men and women have these boundaries in play but sadly, men's boundaries are more likely to be respected than women's boundaries. I don't know, is it because society thinks women exist for the sake of public scrutiny? Such that it is acceptable to constantly force interaction upon us, or pry into our lives despite knowing us for only 1 week? I wish I had an answer to that. But if you ask me why social boundaries are so important to us women, then refer to my point about women living in fear daily.
5. Recognise that you can do your part to end violence against women.
Majority of men are not misogynists. We know. We know that men are better than this. And we need your help. If you see deplorable behaviour from men which you know may make a woman uncomfortable, call it out. Stop it. Think about what sort of world you want your sisters, wives and daughters to be living in.
1 Elliot Rodger is enough. 1 misogyny-driven mass shooting is enough. Let's not encourage more Elliot Rodgers.
Afternote: I am aware that sexual violence happens to men to, and that women can also be perpetrators of violence. However I think it's safe to say that the motivations behind woman-on-man crime are vastly different and it deserves a whole separate discussion for itself altogether.
Comments
Post a Comment