Dealing with rejection

Some girl writes an open letter "on behalf of all nice guys" to the girls who reject them.

"The best thing that ever happened to her" - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What was it about him exactly that made him lose that girl? Was it his niceness? The fact that he's interested in vastly different things compared to her? He is fundamentally incompatible with her emotionally and spiritually?

Or it could simply be that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, she is simply not attracted to who he is (exactly), and most of the time, this is the reason people get rejected. It is not some kind of personal jab or some sign of your inadequacy as a human being; sometimes there simply is no spark and this is perfectly normal.

Few things are more insulting than insinuating your love interest rejected you because they are the damaged one or simply don't know how good they have it. Trust me, even if she had genuinely liked you as a friend before, she's going to be running for the hills now.

By no means am I an expert on dates, but the point of dating is PRECISELY to find out whether it is ever going anywhere. If at any point either party sees no future in this, he or she has every right to call things off- politely but firmly of course. 

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the real reason she walked away.

You ignored her nos, forcing yourself into her view again and again despite her making it clear she isn't interested. You "ignored her fears", her very legitimate fears that you will never leave her alone, ever. That you'll hang around her house for 12 hours everyday, show up at her office, call her 600 times a day or, that if she triggered you enough you'll eventually rape and/or kill her. You "forgot her wants" and focused on "everything (you think) she needed". 

This is not being a nice guy. This is being a selfish asshole who prioritises his need for a relationship over the happiness of his love interest, This is a sign that you don't really understand or respect her, you are simply projecting your own views onto her, insisting you are the one that is best for her even if she's clearly told you you aren't. This is borderline sociopathic behaviour.

On dealing with rejection

I've talked about this before- I have been rejected by guys more times than you can count on one hand.

And when I was younger and had major self-esteem issues, at some point, I must admit, it was really, REALLY tempting to believe that all men simply only wanted pretty and girly girls. There will never be room for a girl like me. 

I thought I was the nice girl, passed over for the popular cheerleaders in JC. 

But you know what? I wasn't a nice girl. I only decided I was because I wasn't pretty, wasn't popular, and couldn't attract guys therefore didn't have the power to break their hearts. My point here is that sometimes we're simply defining ourselves in relation to other people. Oh, everybody got straight As for their A levels except me, I must be freaking retarded; everybody is driving luxury cars, I must be living in poverty; she got the guy I liked, hence she must be the bitch and I the nice girl.

I found that instead of figuring out how to get a boyfriend, a better question to ask myself was: "How do I make myself more likeable? More interesting? How do I better relate to others?"

I gave up trying to date when I entered university. I figured out I had other issues about myself I should be sorting out first. I had low EQ, I complained about others being self-entitled yet I was horribly self-entitled myself, in other ways. I wasn't the easiest person to get along with, I was unhappy about so many social issues and haven't quite figured out how to deal with them.

So, I decided to fix those first.

Getting a boyfriend or girlfriend isn't something that everyone should be entitled to; it isn't something that will magically erase all your problems and insecurities when it comes. It is a bonus that comes when you've gotten your life sorted out and made yourself emotionally well-prepared to add value to another person's life.

I also don't feel any sort of bitterness towards the guys who have rejected me, nor do I blame men as a whole for their supposed "superficiality". No, getting rejected numerous actually helped me develop healthier attitudes towards them. I stopped seeing them as some sort of means to an end (i.e. an opportunity to settle down and get married), and just got to know them better as people, with no strings attached. I recognised that sometimes they simply don't like you that way, and it's alright. Some of them have actually dated girls who aren't the conventional cheerleader type, which again challenged my assumption that all guys wanted pretty and girly girls only. It simply isn't true.

Let me just finish off with an analogy. Say you go for a job interview and the HR department declines to give you a job offer. Was it because you weren't good enough? Maybe, but it is more likely that your skill set is not what the company needs. What you should do is to look for another firm that is looking for what you have to offer, that you will also find joy in working for. 

NOT send a letter to the HR department that rejected you, informing them that they are missing out on the best candidate of all time. The whole department would probably just LOL and throw your email into the spam folder.

It is understandable to be heartbroken and upset after getting rejected. 

But rejection isn't some personal insult to your soul. You weren't rejected because you suck. Take time away to heal and recuperate if you need to. Focus on other things that make you happy. However, remember not to make your own happiness somebody else's problem.

Take things in your stride and go find someone you love, who also appreciates you for exactly who you are, because that is what you deserve.