They went back to their f*king country
I like to imagine that life is like sitting in a room where people walk in and out Sometimes they leave graffiti, sometimes they chip the paint off the walls, sometimes they add beautiful furniture to the room and sometimes they simply wreck everything.
I had been sitting in this room for almost 25 years.
My first memories of the room were a blur. I remembered my mum, feeding me a cup of scrambled eggs in front of me every morning; my father sometimes brought me to play, my aunt sometimes yelled at me, getting me to behave while my parents were at work. In a distant corner of the room, all I could see was a blurred figure. She fed me, sometimes handed me toys, but all I remembered were the vague echoes of "Vicky" "Vicky" "Vicky". My parents and my aunt seemed to treat her very well, so by nature I grew to trust her too.
One day, my aunt led me to the door of my room. "跟Vicky讲 byebye! (Say goodbye to Vicky!)" She said to me, as she pointed to the sky. Was Vicky flying away? Before I could understand what was happening (which would be years later), my aunt interrupted me: "你没有跟Vicky讲 byebye，Vicky 哭! (You didn't say goodbye to Vicky, what if she cried?)"
I grew up and the room slowly got a little brighter and more furnished as more and more people came into my life. One woman walked in and this time I could see her more clearly. She was a different skin colour from me and spoke a different language. We called her Ruby.
My aunt had stopped coming over to babysit my brother and me so we spent most of our time with her. My brother and I ended up playing games from her childhood that she taught us. It was from her that I first heard about the concept of God (they used American pronunciation so I was like "Guard? What is Guard?"). "God will be watching you from on top, he can see everything and everybody. So when he sees you being naughty, he will say 'aye, this girl is no good!'"
Ruby was the first of many similar guests in the room to stay for 4 years instead of 2.
Ruby was the first of many similar guests in the room to stay for 4 years instead of 2.
Just before she left she was replaced by an Indonesian girl. I called her a "girl" because she was 19 when she entered the room, and she left a pot with a seed in my room. We had both grown very attached to Ruby and cried for days when she left. The Indonesian girl, Lilis, was seen as never able to match up to Ruby, and my brother, being 7, was very rude and unkind to her.
Oddly, I'd notice some cracks in the wall of the room, where the graffiti used to be, that weren't there before Ruby left. Lilis had to try and patch up as much as she could.
Lilis could barely speak English she had trouble communicating the simplest of thoughts. She couldn't express her hurt during her stay here, until one day, she told my mother she wanted to leave.
She had had enough, plus that seed she brought wasn't sprouting.
She cried when the agent spoke with her; all those months of pent up frustration finally let loose. The agent convinced her to stay somehow, and my brother patched the crack in my wall up by offering Lilis a sweet. Also, her seed had finally sprouted, which was a good sign.
Lilis went on to become a close friend of ours. Like Ruby, she stayed in my room for 4 years rather than 2. She eventually became more fluent in English, and laughed at our jokes no matter how juvenile or disgusting. She would never lose her temper at us. She hated all the TV characters that my brother and I hated.
Lilis told us a story about how her parents arranged a marriage for her when she was 15, and how she cried and protested until her parents called it off. "He was so old, what the hell!" she would say. What the hell, I would have been resentful as one could imagine if I had been forced to marry at 15. But Lilis always recounted this story with a laugh.
The seed Lilis brought into my room grew into a healthy plant. Its growth was stunted at first, it had refused to grow but it was now strong and reaching for the sunlight. Good always comes to everything with enough perseverance, I thought.
She had had enough, plus that seed she brought wasn't sprouting.
She cried when the agent spoke with her; all those months of pent up frustration finally let loose. The agent convinced her to stay somehow, and my brother patched the crack in my wall up by offering Lilis a sweet. Also, her seed had finally sprouted, which was a good sign.
Lilis went on to become a close friend of ours. Like Ruby, she stayed in my room for 4 years rather than 2. She eventually became more fluent in English, and laughed at our jokes no matter how juvenile or disgusting. She would never lose her temper at us. She hated all the TV characters that my brother and I hated.
Lilis told us a story about how her parents arranged a marriage for her when she was 15, and how she cried and protested until her parents called it off. "He was so old, what the hell!" she would say. What the hell, I would have been resentful as one could imagine if I had been forced to marry at 15. But Lilis always recounted this story with a laugh.
The seed Lilis brought into my room grew into a healthy plant. Its growth was stunted at first, it had refused to grow but it was now strong and reaching for the sunlight. Good always comes to everything with enough perseverance, I thought.
Lilis left and years later in came a meek and timid woman called Lea. On her first day upon stepping in, she thanked my father courteously for letting her in.
"I don't want you to talk to other maids, I tell you!" my mum would say.
My family and I had always found Lea weird. Lea would occasionally try to call her family back home, or receive calls from her parents, and she would always be in tears. I never dared, or bothered, to ask her what happened...I mean, there was nothing I could do, I couldn't fly to the Philipines to help her, and I had to get those As for my A Levels so I can get my scholarship.
Lea called me "Mdm Delia" and my brother "Sir Willard". Those words were so quiet coming from timid Lea, yet so loud at the same time.
When I told her to stop calling me that, she replied "you are my employer, I am just a housemaid." Till today, I can never shake the dark connotation behind the salutation "Mdm".
(Lilis would occasionally write us letters from Indonesia which I cannot remember if we replied. Sometime later, my mother mentioned her as a passing remark in Hokkien: "Lilis gao yin liao (Lilis has gotten married)." We never heard from her ever again.)
"Wow what did Lea just make for me? This is coffee meh? This isn't coffee, I think we better send Lea back already, she's out of sorts!"
My brother who was more socially competent than I was talked to Lea (after she ended a phone call with her family in tears) one day and she revealed that her husband spent all the money that she sent home on prostitutes, instead of on her children. She said that she was conned into the marriage by her parents and that she hated her husband. He got worked up and tried convincing her to leave her husband.
"Wa, so many problems, their family keeps calling us all day, how like that?"
"But Lea, you sent every cent back to your husband and left nothing for yourself! Don't you think that is very stupid?".
Lea opened one of the windows in my room that day, the one my parents always insisted on locking to protect me from the cold. A storm raged violently outside that window that night, and I saw a lot, a lot of things I was never forced to see before. I hid under my blanket and refused to confront the shadow I would see in the dark corners of my room everyday.
The shadow belonged to me, but was leading an alternate life- it would slog like a slave, was forbidden external contact, had no economical power, had nobody to pour out its feelings to. It haunted me for the entire duration of my A levels (I needed that scholarship so bad, but I couldn't study properly). Lea always seemed out of sorts, until my aunt pointed out I was starting to act a little out of sorts myself too.
(I had a nightmare that Lilis had passed away. I woke up in tears and confided in a friend. "Wow that dream is morbid... did you try to contact your maid again though?" the friend asked. I couldn't answer.)
Lea left, but the atmosphere in my room was never the same again.
Enter Herly, a well-behaved, diligent woman from the Philipines who was always kindly and all smiles. I had just started full-time work so I had little time to interact with her, plus I was always so tired after work! My aunt who used to come down to visit while we were at work had everything nice to say about her.
"这个很好，就算没有人在家里我很放心！(She is a very good worker, I trust her not to skive even when there is no one else home!)"
She told me to talk to Herly more often. She said sometimes, Herly would be alone and would get lonely. Herly told my aunt that she came to Singapore to find work so her younger sister could get an education.
"Sometimes, they come to Singapore to work so often, their kids cannot even recognise them anymore. The maid cried when she told me this."
I did not know whether her younger sister eventually got to study; it's been years since Herly left. I however, was quite uncomfortable with the education I did get.
My room suddenly got a whole lot brighter, but I started seeing trails of ants crawl all over my wall. My mother told me squashing them was useless; they had nests in the cracks of the walls where I couldn't see. I couldn't see the ant trails as my room was a lot dimmer before, but they were there all along.
"I don't want you to talk to other maids, I tell you!" my mum would say.
My family and I had always found Lea weird. Lea would occasionally try to call her family back home, or receive calls from her parents, and she would always be in tears. I never dared, or bothered, to ask her what happened...I mean, there was nothing I could do, I couldn't fly to the Philipines to help her, and I had to get those As for my A Levels so I can get my scholarship.
Lea called me "Mdm Delia" and my brother "Sir Willard". Those words were so quiet coming from timid Lea, yet so loud at the same time.
When I told her to stop calling me that, she replied "you are my employer, I am just a housemaid." Till today, I can never shake the dark connotation behind the salutation "Mdm".
(Lilis would occasionally write us letters from Indonesia which I cannot remember if we replied. Sometime later, my mother mentioned her as a passing remark in Hokkien: "Lilis gao yin liao (Lilis has gotten married)." We never heard from her ever again.)
"Wow what did Lea just make for me? This is coffee meh? This isn't coffee, I think we better send Lea back already, she's out of sorts!"
My brother who was more socially competent than I was talked to Lea (after she ended a phone call with her family in tears) one day and she revealed that her husband spent all the money that she sent home on prostitutes, instead of on her children. She said that she was conned into the marriage by her parents and that she hated her husband. He got worked up and tried convincing her to leave her husband.
"Wa, so many problems, their family keeps calling us all day, how like that?"
"But Lea, you sent every cent back to your husband and left nothing for yourself! Don't you think that is very stupid?".
Lea opened one of the windows in my room that day, the one my parents always insisted on locking to protect me from the cold. A storm raged violently outside that window that night, and I saw a lot, a lot of things I was never forced to see before. I hid under my blanket and refused to confront the shadow I would see in the dark corners of my room everyday.
The shadow belonged to me, but was leading an alternate life- it would slog like a slave, was forbidden external contact, had no economical power, had nobody to pour out its feelings to. It haunted me for the entire duration of my A levels (I needed that scholarship so bad, but I couldn't study properly). Lea always seemed out of sorts, until my aunt pointed out I was starting to act a little out of sorts myself too.
(I had a nightmare that Lilis had passed away. I woke up in tears and confided in a friend. "Wow that dream is morbid... did you try to contact your maid again though?" the friend asked. I couldn't answer.)
Lea left, but the atmosphere in my room was never the same again.
Enter Herly, a well-behaved, diligent woman from the Philipines who was always kindly and all smiles. I had just started full-time work so I had little time to interact with her, plus I was always so tired after work! My aunt who used to come down to visit while we were at work had everything nice to say about her.
"这个很好，就算没有人在家里我很放心！(She is a very good worker, I trust her not to skive even when there is no one else home!)"
She told me to talk to Herly more often. She said sometimes, Herly would be alone and would get lonely. Herly told my aunt that she came to Singapore to find work so her younger sister could get an education.
"Sometimes, they come to Singapore to work so often, their kids cannot even recognise them anymore. The maid cried when she told me this."
I did not know whether her younger sister eventually got to study; it's been years since Herly left. I however, was quite uncomfortable with the education I did get.
My room suddenly got a whole lot brighter, but I started seeing trails of ants crawl all over my wall. My mother told me squashing them was useless; they had nests in the cracks of the walls where I couldn't see. I couldn't see the ant trails as my room was a lot dimmer before, but they were there all along.
At some point I told my mother I could handle household chores, all of us could chip in, let's stop inviting these foreign women into my room. My mother said, "if I didn't have a maid, who would raise you? It is important for women to focus on their careers too..."
I am a feminist, but again, Lea flashed through my memory. I can't really be a feminist if I am not fighting for all women, can I? I was extremely unsettled at this point and dropped the subject entirely.
Then I returned from university, with a Second Upper Class Honours from UCL. I was introduced to Florida, who came to take my luggage as I settled back in. My dad said "Meet Florida, she's the same age as you! Haha"
"SHE'S THE SAME AGE AS YOU"
Somehow, the line echoed through the walls of my room, almost deafening me. I clutched my university degree certificate and tried to forget the thunder that shook my heart.
"Get Florida to help you wash your car! It would be faster."
I couldn't let Florida wash my car, the car I bought with money that I got for doing nothing except study... I remembered the storm that raged outside that window, the one Lea opened, which raged again last night. That storm was my privilege, I couldn't escape that harsh cold wind blowing in my face, BITING MY SKIN, despite how humble I tried to come across.
I got over all my lazy "I'm not good with small talk" excuses and started making conversation to Florida.
I couldn't let Florida wash my car, the car I bought with money that I got for doing nothing except study... I remembered the storm that raged outside that window, the one Lea opened, which raged again last night. That storm was my privilege, I couldn't escape that harsh cold wind blowing in my face, BITING MY SKIN, despite how humble I tried to come across.
I got over all my lazy "I'm not good with small talk" excuses and started making conversation to Florida.
"Did you go out last weekend?"
"Yeah"
"With your friends?"
"Yeah, with my friend"
"Where did you guys go?"
"Orchard area, ION"
"Do you like Singapore?"
She laughed and said "Yes, I like Singapore!"
The conversation died to silence and I told myself "I tried". Meanwhile, the storm continued raging outside my window, nothing changed. Of course, I didn't put in enough effort.
Just three days ago, I opened the door to my room and looked out, wondering where all 5 of these women who had left were now and if they would still remember if they saw me.
Instead I saw a giant mothership floating in the sky with a large neon sign hanging down reading: "Xenophobia has no place in S'pore." Below it was a faceless crowd of angry people throwing rocks and flaming arrows at it, attempting to destroy the sign, telling foreigners to go back to their country. Within a 5 km radius, all the flowers wilted and puppies yelped in distress.
Instead I saw a giant mothership floating in the sky with a large neon sign hanging down reading: "Xenophobia has no place in S'pore." Below it was a faceless crowd of angry people throwing rocks and flaming arrows at it, attempting to destroy the sign, telling foreigners to go back to their country. Within a 5 km radius, all the flowers wilted and puppies yelped in distress.
"FT complain about locals, writer also FT... hahahahha"
"Go BAK to your KANTREE!"
"actualee hor , i wan to say tat to all thr PRCs here xcept those working as prostitutes !"
"Can't help people who want to remain stupid, go back your f*king country then, this is my f*king country."
"When self-righteous comments backfires lol"
I shuddered and closed the door behind me, but not before I saw that a vandal had scribbled "同人不同命 (same kind of person, but with a different destiny)" on my door from the outside.
I turned my laptop on and wrote this entire blog entry.
I've been in this room for almost 25 years; while these women have gone back to their f*king country, their shadows never really left.
(In Italics are real comments from the Mothership Facebook post. I left the typos and punctuation, or lack thereof, intact for good measure.)
"Can't help people who want to remain stupid, go back your f*king country then, this is my f*king country."
"When self-righteous comments backfires lol"
I shuddered and closed the door behind me, but not before I saw that a vandal had scribbled "同人不同命 (same kind of person, but with a different destiny)" on my door from the outside.
I turned my laptop on and wrote this entire blog entry.
I've been in this room for almost 25 years; while these women have gone back to their f*king country, their shadows never really left.
(In Italics are real comments from the Mothership Facebook post. I left the typos and punctuation, or lack thereof, intact for good measure.)
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