Rape stops when the myths stop- 2022 POV

The first entry I made about sexual assault (SA) and the myths that perpetuate a hostile culture against SA victims can be found here. It was based on the events of the Brock Turner rape case in 2016.

A lot (that is positive) has happened from then till now- predominantly, the #metoo movement has shone a light on the prevalence of sexual assault and harrassment, and how factors like power dynamics, institutional barriers and socialnorms prevent SA victims from seeing justice. Since then, there have been important changes in how we approach SA and how justice is meted out.

Lately, there has been a case of a former Grab driver (Tan Yew Sin, a married father of three) being acquitted of attempted rape and sexual assault of an inebriated 19 year old passenger. Several media outlets in Singapore have covered the verdict, some have explained why the verdict, and some have rightfully discussed the question of what consent is in the eyes of the law.

The verdict, was that there was insufficient evidence to determine that there was a lack of consent during the sexual encounter.  

Please carefully read the underlined phrase. "Insufficient evidence" to convict does not mean that the accused was objectively innocent. It simply means in the eyes of the law, nothing can be done because the judge has not seen sufficient reason to do so.

Pic credit: Channel News Asia

I am not legally trained, and will not be questioning the verdict of this case.

What I will be questioning today is the validity and sensibility of the victim-blaming comments I have seen on a Facebook article written by a certain left-leaning platform. I will not copy and paste them on my blog, but you can refer to the below mentioned "myths" as points made by these victim-blamers.  

I would like to first establish that almost 100% of the time, the people making such comments on any SA case online are not first-hand involved in these cases in any way. Their knowledge of the case, and naturally their subsequent judgement and response, are entirely based on what they've read on the media which are very watered down versions of the events that actually transpired. A truly rational and objective person recognises this, and will not freely give their two cents on whose fault it is specific to that case. 

Points 1 and 2 will establish that victim blaming comments are flawed. Points 3 and 4 will explain why responding to an online article by blaming the victim is stupid and serves no greater good.

Myth #1: If the victim did not want to be sexually assaulted, he/she should not have gotten drunk/gone to an acquaintance's house/spent time with them alone.

Truth #1: The above behaviours are not indicative of consent to sex. 

Many people who defend people who are accused of SA pin the responsbility on the victim by saying the latter did something indicating some degree of intimacy with the accused, and this means they intended to consent. 

This is not how consent works. 

 

When someone gets drunk, or spends time alone with their alleged assaulter knowingly, a lot can happen between that point and the point sex actually occurs. It could be that the alleged assaulter started displaying behaviour that made the victim feel unsafe, making them change their minds right before the assault happened. 

I believe it is also reasonable to expect that someone would behave in a much more socially acceptable behaviour when in public settings with their victim, as opposed to behind closed doors when true colours show. No rapist will have the word RAPIST stamped on their forehead from the get go.

If you think about it logically, we change our minds about people and situations all the time. Someone we thought was a friend, was someone we could trust, suddenly does something that raises a red flag and makes us feel threatened/unhappy/uneasy. It can happen anytime between a few seconds to a few years even decades. So why is it unfathomable that this is possible between a victim and an assaulter?

Why is it unfathomable that trust, and by extension consent, was revoked between the time the victim isolated themselves with their assaulter and the point the assault actually occured? 

There is a also a saying that the victim had indeed consented all the way to the point of completion, only to later regret it and lie about being SA-ed to avoid being seen as a slut. That makes even less logical sense, since the victim could always just shut up about the sex, thereby 100% guaranteeing no one will know about the encounter and see them as a slut?

I am not saying it is impossible, I am just saying accusing someone of rape and going through a painful lawsuit that can drag on for years seems like an overkill just to not be seen as a slut.

Truth #2: Someone is more likely to sexually assaulted by someone they know and trust, than be sexually assaulted by a stranger (whether or not as a result of risky behaviour), thereby making such preventive measures ineffective.

In a world where women didn't drink, didn't stay out past sunset, all wore black full body garments from head to toe, will sexual assault drop to zero?

The answer is no, because this does not take into account:

• Women SA-ed by their boyfriends/spouses/ex-es/fathers/relatives
• Women SA-ed in the workplace/schools where school uniforms are mandated
  
• Women SA-ed while dressed modestly
• Men and boys who were sexually assaulted

A fun fact- the above scenarios I've painted actually form the majority of sexual assault cases as opposed to strangers popping up from a bush at 1am to rape women going home from work. The people who keep telling women not to stay out past sunset are very happy to paint sexual assaulters as these other worldly monsters (who also always happen to be of a minority race or foreigner- go figure), but they do not recognise that statistically, it is the men who work, walk, and interact among us that we should be wary of.

I'm no expert on crime, but in my personal view, this is the list of watch areas women should actually be privvy to if they wish to avoid being sexually assaulted effectively. This is a list of character traits that may indicate that someone has a tendency to commit SA, and while definitely not 100% full proof, it is a useful list of red flags that will save one from many forms of harm and abuse anyhow. 

(By no means am I suggesting preventing SA is a woman's responsibility, but at least this knowledge allows us to interact with people with our eyes open) I have never met a person who demonstrates one or more of these character traits listed that was objectively a decent human being. 

Funny thing is, when men who demonstrate these behaviours raise an alarm and women want to avoid them or report them rightfully, we are faced with blaming and excuses from their enablers. 

Oh, "all men are dirty minded, that's why he took your photos and photoshopped your boobs bigger (true story that happened to a friend btw). That's why he made sexually charged comments to you, that's why he followed you in the middle of the night (also true story)". 

"He didn't mean harm when he shared naked photos of women in a whatsapp group, he's actually a nice guy even though I barely know him." “Give the crazy stalker a chance even though he freaked you out by following you to the ladies,  and refusing to leave you alone! he is just being sincere! He’s a nice guy”

I think it's worth asking ourselves whether fundamentally, do we have our assumptions about SA and how it happens all wrong? Are we still seeing an increased prevalence of cases because we are doing all the wrong things trying to prevent it?

By this logic, how then can you blame victims and pin responsibility on them for their own sexual assault when everything society has taught them is not going to protect them from SA anyway? 

Of course I mean this in a more general way, not specific to Tan Yew Sin’s case. In Tan Yew Sin’s case, the inappropriate touching would have happened to another drunk girl even if his accuser was not drunk and not in that situation anyway. The drinking is not the problem here.

Myth #2: The metoo movement has given rise to a prevalence of false SA accusations because women knew society would trust them. 

Truth #3 and #4: False accusations are rare. Statistically, a man is more likely to be sexually assaulted than he is to be falsely accused of sexual assault AND face any tagible consequences as a result of said accusation.

 

Source: RAINN (US National Resource Centre for SA)

3% of American men have experienced attempted or completed rape. This may not have included other forms of sexual assault or harrassment. This definitely does not include cases that are unreported.

Conversely, only 2-10% of all SA accusations are found conclusively to be false. Again, I've included references from both sides of the argument to prove I'm not talking out of my ass.

While I do not have information on how many of these false accusations resulted in a man being falsely convicted, it is likely to be much less than 2%. Logically, if you extrapolate the data set to include cases that were not reported, the statistics of men who were falsely accused AND convicted of SA becomes even lower. 

You may ask- shouldn't the possibility that there are false claims within the 90-98% of accusations deemed to be true the concern? My answer to that is yes it should be concern, we never want innocent men to even spend a day in jail, but unless you can prove to me that this is a problem on the same scale and severity as SA itself, I'll not be convinced that members of the public ought to go and scrutinise every news report about a SA case because there is a good chance that the victim might be lying.

3% of the entire male US population vs 2-10% of reported SA cases (the percentage of men actually convicted being unknown)- I'll leave you men to decide which of these problems you should be paying more attention to.

Myth #3: Random Facebook users who string together details about an SA case they read online, and then publicly comment about the loopholes in the case are being objective and fair and this is what our society needs. Hashtag innocent till proven guilty.

Truth #5: This is not the correct way to show support for someone undergoing an investigation for SA.

Netizens who are not involved in the SA case first hand in any way will go and scrutinise the media reports, find a supposed loophole, yell "checkmate" then comment that because xxxxx, the victim must have been a lying cheating slut.

The question I always have for these people is: "Exactly what are you trying to achieve with your actions?"

1. Are you expecting Tan Yew Sin to read your heartwarming messages of "support" and give you a Thumbs Up Man! on your comment on Facebook?

2. Are you hoping that future "lying cheating sluts" who have the audacity to drink be too scared to report when they get touched inappropriately because even if they don't crumble under the trauma of the SA itself, they will crumble under the stress of your cyberbullying anyway?

 

BellyJellyWelly and Monica Baey talk about being cyberbullied after speaking up about sexual crimes committed against them

3. Are you hoping to cover up for young men who will be reading all your comments, to assure them that it is not their fault if they touched a drunk, wobbling, slurring, crying, girl inappropriately because she shouldn't have been drunk anyway, he is a man, and men obviously have no rationality or self-control?

Congratulations, you have achieved 2 out of 3 of your mission objectives. Points 2 and 3. 

You achieved 2) because your comments affect SA victims who are silently reading, and subjected to another round of hostile, toxic comments questioning their experience that was already traumatic. This is not just one girl potentially falsely accused of making a false accusation, it is multiple girls in the background deciding not to speak up because they know they'll be subjected to this kind of comments if they do.

You achieved 3) because young men who are still learning about consent are going to zoom in to your comments and conclude that it's not their fault if they act inappropriately in front of women, because the women will always be inadvertently held responsible for it by his bros on the internet in some way.

As for 1), I am pretty sure the accused is not going to appreciate your comments. He has enough to deal with.

If you know a male friend or relative who could be falsely accused of SA, show him emotional support, and talk to mutual friends and insist they do not judge him until investigations are complete. Cooperate fully in the investigations if you are a first hand responder or witness. You do not need to whiteknight for an accused sex offender on FB. This is not what the accused needs, and certainly not what society needs.

Truth #6: This is not how innocent until proven guilty works

Someone who truly believes that a person is innocent until proven guilty will leave justice in the hands of the police and the court, and refrain from making any public comments about the case. NOT go into the article with uninformed, non-expert opinion under pretense of objectivity, then leaving worth-less-than-two cents all over the internet.

If you truly believe that someone is innocent until proven guilty, your objections should be directed at the people who doxx, harrass and make derogatory comments about the accused before the investigations are complete. These are the ones who are acting like the accused is guilty until proven innocent. NOT at the people making valid points about how investigations are carried out, NOT at the people rightfully pointing out that victim blaming is wrong, NOT at the people showing support for the victim/accuser.

And most certainly, your comments should not directly attack the victim/accuser or anyone in a similar position.

Myth #4: But what about the poor man's reputation?

Truth #7: Even if he is found legally innocent, he has already ruined his own reputation.

In the Today article explaining the legal rationalisations, there are some people who apparently pitied Tan Yew Sin on the grounds that his reputation would never recover having been involved in this court case.

Let's assume that he is indeed objectively innocent, and his 19 year old passenger indeed made a false report for motivations unknown to anyone.

He is still an unprofessional worker who tried to engage in sexual activity during his working hours instead of doing the responsible thing of sending her to her home, taking his fare then leaving.

He is still a cheating husband and father to his wife and three children.

He is still a morally feeble man who does not take accountability for his own actions and allowed a way less mature, vulnerable 19 year old who had impaired judgement at the point in time guide his behaviour.

If he could interpret the actions of a drunk, unstable, CRYING, barely legal woman as a sexual invitation, what other innocuous things can he interpret as a sexual invitation? This is purely hypothetical of course, but as a young woman I am not about to ride in his Grab and find out.

Defending this man legally is necessary to ensure justice is meted out fairly.

But defending his honour on Facebook? A person's reputation is formed by multiple aspects of their conduct and character, not just the legal outcome of their court case. In this case, his reputation is ruined for a good reason regardless of the verdict. If people avoid him in real life, it is due to this confluence of reasons, so let's not confuse people's treatment of him as being tainted by the court case alone. People are smart enough to come to their own conclusions.

Conclusion

Because of the metoo movement, many men have grown sensitive to any mention of SA cases for a variety of reasons. They live in fear that one day they will be accused falsely of SA, be locked up behind bars without fair trial, and have their reputations ruined at the drop of a hat. 

The objective of this post is to assure yall that there is no basis for any of such fears. 

The outcome of this very case is proof that without evidence beyond reasonable doubt, the courts cannot do anything to you, real or false accusation. You will recover from the emotional and mental toil from your court case, the reputational damages, and move on to a normal life, while victims suffer long-term damages to their lives because of their assault.

The reality is that for every accusation found to be false, there are many victims who do not see justice because SA is incredibly difficult to prove beyond reasonable doubt. There are many who do not report, not only because they expect that nothing will be done about it, but also because they have been gaslighted culturally and socially to believe they were responsible for any of the things that have happened to them. 

Because their offender holds power over them monetarily, at work or in school. 

Because they are scared to derail their careers, education and reputation if they step forward.

Because their offender is a family member and they'd be homeless if they report.

The support for victims (alleged or otherwise) has to be holistic. They not only require legal recourse, but they also require support and understanding from various arms of society, and this includes providing a safe environment for victims to speak up and report. 

Victim-blaming comments online seek to destroy all the good our society has done for SA victims in the previous years, and I vow to do whatever I can to neutralise the toxicity of this kind of netizens.

To my peers, many of us are starting to take on middle-management positions in our careers. 

While I sincerely hope that none of us will need to deal with a case like this in our term, I think it is very important to approach cases like these properly, with the correct mindset. To a victim, ask only relevant questions, keep them physically safe, and ensure they are given proper psychological support. To an accused, do not spread rumours before an investigation completes, and protect them from psychological abuse. Keep details SIC and do not allow people to speculate. 

In addition, if we see that our peers are approaching issues of SA/domestic violence in a joking manner, or even managing an actual SA case by going in with the assumption that the victim must be lying, correct them.

#metoo is not the enemy.

Women speaking up is the not the problem.

People commiting sexual assault, is the problem. Do not let the issue of poor handling of SA cases detract from the actual issue here. Definitely, don't contribute to the problem by leaving irresponsible victim-blaming comments online.