All men are real men
What is a real man? Society gives many confusing definitions. The man who can down 3 beers concurrently? The man who stands calm, strong and silent even in face of adversity? The man, the “pimp” who gets all the girls in the club?
The truth is, I don’t know what a “real man” is.
I’m not even sure there is one definition for the phrase.
As a society we are beginning to realize that women are diverse and come in different shapes, sizes with varying personalities. Men too, are diverse. It is time we change how society perceives this diversity in men.
I have watched many men and boys from a young age celebrated for their conventional “masculinity”, but also demeaned if they didn’t show “manliness”. How many times have we heard “Boys don’t cry” or “You’re a boy, you want to study arts?” “You do ballet? That is so gay”? Not everyone is guilty of enforcing stereotypes onto young men but almost all young men have been at the receiving end of such remarks. The term “toxic masculinity” is coined when men are forced so hard into a mould they cannot fit into, it hurts them.
Toxic masculinity is when boys who play with dolls or prefer the colour pink are being bullied for their choices. It is when men are pressured into having sex with as many women as possible because society thinks it is the only way they can be manly. It is when the only way they can express anger is through violence. It is when they feel they need to demean women and gay men to feel like they are worth something. It is when they have nobody to confide in about their feelings. It is when they are not allowed to express any emotion apart from anger.
Of course, we ought not to forget the stigmas that some men face when they wish to pursue a profession of their choice. Just like how military women should not be assumed to be all “hairy butches”, men who are passionate about music, dance or art should not be automatically assumed to be “gay” because it is so commonly depicted by the media. (“Gay” is a sexual orientation and has nothing to do with career choices)
As a sister, a daughter, and a friend to many guys, I don’t feel good sitting back watching the men in life slowly stop expressing themselves as they grow up. Men should feel free to be as dynamic about their feelings as possible; they should be allowed to be as human as possible. We can achieve this if we all start communicating in a healthy way with the men in our lives. Eradicate the gendered slurs, encourage men to talk about their feelings. Encourage them to express sadness, not by taking them out for beers, but by talking to them and lending a listening ear (or a shoulder to cry on). Of course this is not to say that anything conventionally masculine is inherently bad. But it should not be the only way men are allowed to live.
I want to all men to know you're human, you should be valued for who you are, and you're important, no matter what you do, whether you're the masculine protective commando or the quirky hairdresser. :)
(with the exception of "asshole". please, don't be an asshole)
Words are mere words, but the video below sums up manhood, perfectly.
Edit as of 2nd April:
Most people are for equality and more and more people (including men) are willing to step up and speak about gender violence- which is great! :)
There are many ways men are hurt by sexism- primarily because men are pressured into fitting a mould of masculinity.
In the UK an estimate of 72000 adult men in 2011/12 have been sexually abused or have experienced a sexual assault attempt. However, social stigmas prevent male sexual assault victims from speaking up about their experiences without shame or ridicule.
Things like "not using the words 'gay' or 'faggot' or 'pussy'" to degrade other men for behaving differently, listening and supporting them when they have emotional troubles, or even, believing them and helping them seek support should they be victims of violence. (I have guy friends who have been molested before and I didn't think the comments thy got were very empathetic.) These things can go a long way in empowering men and letting them know it is okay to be human.
The truth is, I don’t know what a “real man” is.
I’m not even sure there is one definition for the phrase.
As a society we are beginning to realize that women are diverse and come in different shapes, sizes with varying personalities. Men too, are diverse. It is time we change how society perceives this diversity in men.
I have watched many men and boys from a young age celebrated for their conventional “masculinity”, but also demeaned if they didn’t show “manliness”. How many times have we heard “Boys don’t cry” or “You’re a boy, you want to study arts?” “You do ballet? That is so gay”? Not everyone is guilty of enforcing stereotypes onto young men but almost all young men have been at the receiving end of such remarks. The term “toxic masculinity” is coined when men are forced so hard into a mould they cannot fit into, it hurts them.
Toxic masculinity is when boys who play with dolls or prefer the colour pink are being bullied for their choices. It is when men are pressured into having sex with as many women as possible because society thinks it is the only way they can be manly. It is when the only way they can express anger is through violence. It is when they feel they need to demean women and gay men to feel like they are worth something. It is when they have nobody to confide in about their feelings. It is when they are not allowed to express any emotion apart from anger.
Of course, we ought not to forget the stigmas that some men face when they wish to pursue a profession of their choice. Just like how military women should not be assumed to be all “hairy butches”, men who are passionate about music, dance or art should not be automatically assumed to be “gay” because it is so commonly depicted by the media. (“Gay” is a sexual orientation and has nothing to do with career choices)
As a sister, a daughter, and a friend to many guys, I don’t feel good sitting back watching the men in life slowly stop expressing themselves as they grow up. Men should feel free to be as dynamic about their feelings as possible; they should be allowed to be as human as possible. We can achieve this if we all start communicating in a healthy way with the men in our lives. Eradicate the gendered slurs, encourage men to talk about their feelings. Encourage them to express sadness, not by taking them out for beers, but by talking to them and lending a listening ear (or a shoulder to cry on). Of course this is not to say that anything conventionally masculine is inherently bad. But it should not be the only way men are allowed to live.
I want to all men to know you're human, you should be valued for who you are, and you're important, no matter what you do, whether you're the masculine protective commando or the quirky hairdresser. :)
(with the exception of "asshole". please, don't be an asshole)
Words are mere words, but the video below sums up manhood, perfectly.
Edit as of 2nd April:
Most people are for equality and more and more people (including men) are willing to step up and speak about gender violence- which is great! :)
There are many ways men are hurt by sexism- primarily because men are pressured into fitting a mould of masculinity.
In the UK an estimate of 72000 adult men in 2011/12 have been sexually abused or have experienced a sexual assault attempt. However, social stigmas prevent male sexual assault victims from speaking up about their experiences without shame or ridicule.
Men are also more likely to commit suicide.
This guy sums everything up perfectly. And yes BME (Black and Minority Ethnic) men are more likely to face these issues.
This guy sums everything up perfectly. And yes BME (Black and Minority Ethnic) men are more likely to face these issues.
And I must also stress that it is incredibly assholic to bring up the sexism faced by men/male rape victims only when it is to derail conversations about sexism against women. I am all for empowering men; but I have a problem with people who wouldn't otherwise care about men's problems if it wasn't to smack down discussions about misogyny. The people who insist on picking at semantics such as feminism be rebranded as "egalitarianism" or "humanism", or that "HeforShe" should be called "WeforUs"- aren't doing the world a favour at all. You're simply ignoring the fact that women (and LGBTs) have been historically an oppressed and marginalised group and this makes you a completely stupid asshole. You won't go to a cancer awareness campaign page to wail "all diseases matter! I have syphillis, why don't you care!" So please don't do it :)
Things like "not using the words 'gay' or 'faggot' or 'pussy'" to degrade other men for behaving differently, listening and supporting them when they have emotional troubles, or even, believing them and helping them seek support should they be victims of violence. (I have guy friends who have been molested before and I didn't think the comments thy got were very empathetic.) These things can go a long way in empowering men and letting them know it is okay to be human.
I think it's a great idea to start thinking about the kind of standards we hold men up to, and realise that there are plenty of legitimate concerns regarding men that are a result of harmful stereotypes. We should all fight this together Also, I only realised last year that Movember is actually a male-centric health movement that seeks to raise awareness for prostrate cancer and other under-recognised male ailments. So yeah, let's start supporting the men in our lives! :)
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